One of our oldest family friends who lost her son waiting for a heart lung transplant at CHOP the year I graduated from college said something to me years ago that stuck: never compare suffering. I keep hearing friends say that this is worse than 9/11. Having been in New York City on 9/11, even saying that out loud makes me want to vomit, and I have a hard time conceptualizing how in such a short period of time we can actually, as a collective people, go through something that is worse. So, I hope that you will forgive me if instead of blogging about voice overs or life as a working mom, today I will use my weekly blog post to attempt to deal with what I am struggling with, as others most be struggling too.
The Numbers…
Intellectually I understand that the numbers of deaths from Covid-19 in my home state of New Jersey have now surpassed those from 9/11, but even hearing this over and over it does not feel real. According to NJ.com, as of this morning 846 people have died in NJ from the Corona Virus and 704 died on 9/11. On 9/11 I was a proud NYC resident living on the Upper West Side and Teahing History on the Upper East Side. Those statistics are also not great: according to Politico yesterday, 2700 New Yorkers perished on 9/11 and as of yesterday 2935 have succumbed to the corona virus. So yes, I get it, in terms of the numbers the virus is much worse.
The Timing
If you ask most people, especially New Yorkers, where they were on 9/11, they can tell you precisely where they were and what they were doing when the towers were hit. I was with my department chair at the Nightingale-Bamford School, Kitty Gordon, for out weekly Tuesday morning. Her assistant Sharon interrupted us to tell us the news. We were shocked but we continued out meeting. I then went to teach my 8th grade American History class, and as the girls started to panic about their parents who worked in the area, I realized that my now husband then fiancee was across the street. For me, the horror of that day unraveled in a few hours. Harlan felt the impact of the second tower being hit at his desk and was up and running. Harlan saw things that day, as many New Yorkers did, that no human should ever see. He saw the giant gaping holes in the towers as they stood and he saw people making there terrifying exits. Harlan ran to the west side highway and then walked all the way up to me at Nightingale at 92nd and 5th Avenue. He was there at dismissal with his parents. Harlan and I then had to walk some students home to the west side. We were blessed. We survived as did our family.
For me, the time factor of the corona virus is different. 9/11 was a sudden shack. The attack was rapid and unexpected. In the aftermath people came together, but the attack was over. With covid-19, the attack is slow and lingering and one never really knows when it will strike and where the danger is. The pace seems to change everything. There are daily challenges and then within the struggle we grasp at silver linings. There is terror mixed with blessings. This “new normal” as so many call it is bizarre. For me, in the midst of this setting, the statistics only serve as a reminder that we are all still stuck in this, unable to go back as life to the way it was in February, which seems like a lifetime ago.
There Were No Silver Linings With 9/11
For me, I have a hard time even looking at the 9/11 memorial. I become extremely emotional. I do not like taking the path train to the World Trade Center. The made it so nice that I just feel vulnerable all over again. Having been through 9/11, it still, even today, feels too raw and I cannot feel any silver linings.
The current Corona virus situation is terrifying in a different way, but for me, the pace is slow. Even though we are surrounded by death and suffering, there have actually been some silver linings. Here is my list, maybe it will help you:
- Since we are all home we got a Labrador Retriever puppy.
- We are all cooking together a lot.
- We are eating healthy, balance meals.
- We are spending time as a family.
- My husband and I are going for walks every day.
- My kids are learning to do chores around the house.
- We are not putting many miles on our cars.
- We are polluting less.
- My kids are happy not to take the train to school.
All of these silver linings are fine and dandy as long as my family gets through this unscathed. I think the hardest part for me is not seeing our extended family: my parents, my in-laws, my sister…. and we don’t know when we will see them. The unknown is scary and in this scenario it could go on and on. Never will we take wellness for granted again.
The crazy thing is that I feel like as a momtrepreneur I had really just found my groove in the past year or two. I had gotten the hang, finally, of what had to be done when, and figured out how to balance my family and professional responsibilities. And just as I got comfortable with my life, a pandemic struck and suddenly, like many, I find myself juggling many more balls than I want to manage, and none of these balls can be dropped. Really, each ball is much more like a fragile egg and represents an important segment of our life that now needs to be managed, or worse, micro-managed. From cleaning the bathrooms to grooming the dogs, all of these tasks that used to be done by others are now also mine. Not that I can’t do it, I just regret that I have to. I think we have all seen the tweet about our grandparents being called to war and we just have to sit on the couch, but with this sudden shift, at least for the mom in the family, there is not actually so much couch time.
my twins are remote learning, they immediately wanted to spread out all over, including these spaces that I have always relished as my productive spaces. I immediately reminded them that they need to work in the dining room or there rooms. We cannot all remain silent while they are online with theirqw23 school. It just is not practical. This very important boundary has helped keep the sanity.
their won sooner than I can believe, learning these life skills is actually really good for them. We have made a chore chart and a schedule. Certain chores are being done on certain days. Then the twins switch off. For example, yesterday Emma dusted the entire house and Jack cleaned all the knobs and handles with lysol and emptied all the trash. Today I will do all 6 bathrooms. Harlan will vacuum. Tomorrow Harlan and I will change the sheets together. As a family it is much easier than as individuals.
typically commutes to NYC and works very long hours. Instead, he is here and each afternoon we are going for long walks together. I love every single minute with him and I know that I will miss this time so much when live as it was before resumes. I know that my kids really miss their time with their friends, and as soon as they can they will be out and about again, so I love every single moment I get that we are all together. I very much wish that this virus were not so scary and that I did not fear for the lives of the people I love the most, but in the mean time I try to focus on this gift of time with my family.
